I've been feeling pretty lonely lately. I feel like I've lost something important and my heart hurts everyday, but I haven't really lost anything. Everything is great around me - I have my family and friends in good health, I've started different projects about things I wanted to do but I was always afraid of doing them, and I've even found some solace in books. However, something is missing in my life. It hurts and it makes me cry. I'm not sure if I'm happy or if I'm just moving through the motions. I've stopped posting on social media because the content has really begun to bore and annoy me. I've been trying to reevaluate my life to see what I'm doing right or wrong. I just don't know.
My quarantine has gotten me to be very productive as of late. I've come up with a three year plan and I think I finally figured out what I am meant to do in life. I've been reading about the study of numerology and how numbers correspond to your spiritual being and the universe. I can see many correlations between this particular study and religion, and I find it enlightening to know that angels communicate through numbers. I know big changes in my life are coming and it will be for the most amazing years to come. I've been working out to get in even better shape than before. But... even with all of these things... I feel so sad. It's worse because I bottle everything up inside and I know I shouldn't, but I do.
Being in quarantine also has shown me who my friends really are and who cares. People who tell me they're friends with me have disappeared. Bonds I thought I made with others aren't really bonds. I know I'm usually the one reaching out, so I guess when I'm the only one making the effort, then it means we're "friends." Maybe I need to cut everyone out and start all over again. That'll happen soon enough, I suppose.
Monday, April 13, 2020
Monday, April 6, 2020
Social Media Blues
Being quarantined to a confined space really makes a person think. It's been a while since I've had some time to myself to gather my thoughts. I used to focus on the minute details of work and what is necessary to feel socially acceptable in front of my employees, my friends, peers, and colleagues. As of late, I've been spending my days in pajamas, sweats, and trying to figure out what my next big career move will be. Time and social isolation really changes people. You start to miss the simple things in life, like hugging your friends. As a society, we are supposed to practice social distancing from one another, which means we need to stand at least 3-6 feet away from the person next to us. When you can't hug or have any means of physical contact with people you care about, it starts to eat away at you a bit. For instance - I was not able to hug my own mother when I saw her the other day and it was emotionally wearing on me. This is the price I pay for working in the medical field. My parents wouldn't even let me touch my dog because they were afraid that he would catch Coronavirus as well.
I also noticed how frequently some people use their phones to check their social media platforms. It's like an addiction to see who gets the most reactions on their news feed, or how many likes they get on their photos. I used to be one of those people who needed to be liked across social media. I used to want the attention of others to be "heard," but the other side of that coin meant that everyone had an opinion about you... and likely, you'd have haters. Don't get me wrong - I love posting pictures about my foodie life and creating modeling content, but I realized along the way that those posts only showed a person I wanted to portray. Instagram never showed my messy hair, my "I just woke up" face, or my runny eggs and toast for breakfast. It showed the glamorous sides of my life. After all of this mayhem that turned the world upside down and after knowing that so many people have died, is being on social media really worth it at this point?
Social media also creates an addiction to the phone. You want to be liked by others. You want people to notice you. You want those same people to interact with you because they might think you're cool. You post about the coolest places you've been to and how awesome your past vacations were. In reality, you're still the same individual who needs to work and you have those daily stresses. I feel like socially disconnecting myself for a bit to understand who I really am as a person. I want to be liked because a person likes me, and not what I post. I want to have real friends who will be there for me when I'm at my lowest and not when I'm just having a good time. I want to be able to create memories with people who find the time to come out and have dinner or coffee dates with me, and not when we're just going to the next party. Wouldn't life be a little more meaningful that way?
It's great to know that you can find your friends on Facebook and know they are okay. However, Facebook is also spammed with fake news, as well as bad news. I don't know how to react or feel when I hear someone else has passed away from COVID. That news came straight from social media, and not my friends. I've had instances where there has been a death in my family and other friends who found out posted about it before we had a chance to decide if it needed to be posted about or not. Those things are very personal and private and shouldn't really shared on social media, unless the actual party involved decided to share it first. I think people start posting about subjects and things because they mostly crave the attention.
I've been slowly shying off of Facebook and Instagram over the past few weeks because I just feel like it's mentally draining. I don't get to interact with my friends too often, but that's what messenger and my cell phone is for. If I keep looking at my phone every five minutes just to see who posted what or who liked my status, I think I'm going to drive myself insane. I miss social interactions and I miss my friends and family. I have begun to realize how much I've taken for granted as a young woman living in NYC and how much money I've spent over eating, going out, and being the adventurous spirit I am. This quarantine makes me realize how important some people are in my life and how much I care about them. I am sometimes afraid that if COVID gets to them, I may lose them and that's heartbreaking. I can't always be there for them and that bothers me.
Do yourself a favor and hug someone you care about today, if you can. You won't know when is the next time you will see them, so make sure it is a tight one filled with all the love you can give. I only give one hug per day, so if you were lucky enough to receive my hug, that means you mean the world to me.
I also noticed how frequently some people use their phones to check their social media platforms. It's like an addiction to see who gets the most reactions on their news feed, or how many likes they get on their photos. I used to be one of those people who needed to be liked across social media. I used to want the attention of others to be "heard," but the other side of that coin meant that everyone had an opinion about you... and likely, you'd have haters. Don't get me wrong - I love posting pictures about my foodie life and creating modeling content, but I realized along the way that those posts only showed a person I wanted to portray. Instagram never showed my messy hair, my "I just woke up" face, or my runny eggs and toast for breakfast. It showed the glamorous sides of my life. After all of this mayhem that turned the world upside down and after knowing that so many people have died, is being on social media really worth it at this point?
Social media also creates an addiction to the phone. You want to be liked by others. You want people to notice you. You want those same people to interact with you because they might think you're cool. You post about the coolest places you've been to and how awesome your past vacations were. In reality, you're still the same individual who needs to work and you have those daily stresses. I feel like socially disconnecting myself for a bit to understand who I really am as a person. I want to be liked because a person likes me, and not what I post. I want to have real friends who will be there for me when I'm at my lowest and not when I'm just having a good time. I want to be able to create memories with people who find the time to come out and have dinner or coffee dates with me, and not when we're just going to the next party. Wouldn't life be a little more meaningful that way?
It's great to know that you can find your friends on Facebook and know they are okay. However, Facebook is also spammed with fake news, as well as bad news. I don't know how to react or feel when I hear someone else has passed away from COVID. That news came straight from social media, and not my friends. I've had instances where there has been a death in my family and other friends who found out posted about it before we had a chance to decide if it needed to be posted about or not. Those things are very personal and private and shouldn't really shared on social media, unless the actual party involved decided to share it first. I think people start posting about subjects and things because they mostly crave the attention.
I've been slowly shying off of Facebook and Instagram over the past few weeks because I just feel like it's mentally draining. I don't get to interact with my friends too often, but that's what messenger and my cell phone is for. If I keep looking at my phone every five minutes just to see who posted what or who liked my status, I think I'm going to drive myself insane. I miss social interactions and I miss my friends and family. I have begun to realize how much I've taken for granted as a young woman living in NYC and how much money I've spent over eating, going out, and being the adventurous spirit I am. This quarantine makes me realize how important some people are in my life and how much I care about them. I am sometimes afraid that if COVID gets to them, I may lose them and that's heartbreaking. I can't always be there for them and that bothers me.
Do yourself a favor and hug someone you care about today, if you can. You won't know when is the next time you will see them, so make sure it is a tight one filled with all the love you can give. I only give one hug per day, so if you were lucky enough to receive my hug, that means you mean the world to me.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
The Year of the Coronavirus
Hello! It's been quite a while... I started this blog back in 2013 and I am realizing that it is in serious need of a face lift. I will work on that in the meantime, but let's talk about 2020. This year has started off with an interesting series of events, which has led to the world's current state. We are currently under quarantine due to a global pandemic. Non-essential employees are not allowed to work and 6.6 million employees have filed for unemployment. I am currently one of the essential employees, since I work in healthcare. However, the front liners are doctors, nurses, laboratory technologists, hospital staff, etc. As of right now, most employees have been working from home and are trying to hold the laboratories together to avoid further contamination of this virus we call COVID-19, or Coronavirus.
The origins of COVID-19 are still unknown and researchers are working restlessly to find an antidote. People have predicted that the virus originated from Wuhan, China. However, other sources have come to wonder if this is accurate. I personally don't think it originated from China, but that's another story to tell. The virus is non-discriminatory, so it attacks anyone who is in close proximity with another person who has been infected (sounds like some T-Virus stuff from the Umbrella Corporation, right?) and will have an incubation state of 14 days. There are symptomatic and asymptomatic patients. Symptomatic patients develop a high fever, shortness of breath, dry cough, and can be lethal because it attacks the respiratory system. Asymptomatic patients may be walking around and infecting others without even knowing they are positive. So... due to the rapid spread, the world has shut down and advised the entire population of humans to quarantine themselves at home and wait it out. Hospitals have been overbooked with unprecedented numbers of patients and laboratories have been working together to run PCR testing in order to develop a rapid response for patients.
So, what has Coronavirus led to? Let's see...
The origins of COVID-19 are still unknown and researchers are working restlessly to find an antidote. People have predicted that the virus originated from Wuhan, China. However, other sources have come to wonder if this is accurate. I personally don't think it originated from China, but that's another story to tell. The virus is non-discriminatory, so it attacks anyone who is in close proximity with another person who has been infected (sounds like some T-Virus stuff from the Umbrella Corporation, right?) and will have an incubation state of 14 days. There are symptomatic and asymptomatic patients. Symptomatic patients develop a high fever, shortness of breath, dry cough, and can be lethal because it attacks the respiratory system. Asymptomatic patients may be walking around and infecting others without even knowing they are positive. So... due to the rapid spread, the world has shut down and advised the entire population of humans to quarantine themselves at home and wait it out. Hospitals have been overbooked with unprecedented numbers of patients and laboratories have been working together to run PCR testing in order to develop a rapid response for patients.
So, what has Coronavirus led to? Let's see...
- Panic buying over random items like toilet paper, household cleaning items, and paper towels
- A significant increase in racism against the Asian/ Asian American community... random people on the streets are hurting Asians or blaming the spread of Coronavirus on them - especially since Trump called the virus the "Chinese Virus"
- People all over the world are dying - especially the elderly
- Travel bans and border closing, which means an economic crisis due to the shortage of goods
- Lack of PPE in hospitals to protect healthcare workers from being infected and taking the virus home to their families
- Increased fear of sickness and death
- Many people began implementing the practice of proper hygiene and hand washing (though, I don't know why they didn't do this before... it makes you wonder)
- Families being notified of the passing of their loved ones and not being able to retrieve the body or see them in the hospital because of fears of being infected
- Daily activities have been halted and people have retreated to their homes indefinitely, unless it is to go to the stores to buy essential products
- All department stores, malls, and restaurants have been shut down, unless you order online for take out or delivery
- Many employees are left unemployed and are wondering how to survive without pay
- Government tries to create a stimulus package to bail out the country from possible economic crumble
The list goes on. I thought a new decade would bring change, but I didn't know the change would come straight out of the Book of Revelations. In these times, I have seen and read many different stories and articles on Facebook, of which I've dubbed to be fake news. However, one thing does remain constant... people feel entitled. I say this because regardless of what the government tells their people to stop the spread, people still go outside due to cabin fever, they feel they can hurt others based on their irrational fears instead of actual facts, and they lie to nurses and doctors to get things done their way, which shows selfishness. It's so sad to see who people actually become in times of crisis. Healthcare workers are striving to work day in and out to protect and help others, and lying to them about where you've been or what you've been exposed to due to your own irrational fears of having the virus doesn't help anyone. It's surreal.
During these times, I've been able to reflect a bit on what is important and what isn't. I've become closer to my family and those around me. I saw my mom for the first time in a month yesterday and I had to give her an air hug, since I had to be six feet away from her. My mother is immunocompromised due to an autoimmune disease, so it is heartbreaking for me to not be able to hug her. My dad offered me his elbow because I wasn't able to hug him either. My sister is a nurse and has been exposed to the virus because her patient coded on her and passed away while she was doing chest compressions to try to save him (he coughed in her face, even with a mask), so she has shelled herself up in a hotel because she is afraid to come home since she lives with my mom. My brother works at a pharmacy so he's dealing with patients daily, and you don't know who is sick and who is healthy. He's also afraid of bringing the virus home to my parents. My siblings and I have made arrangements for them to live away from home for a bit, and my parents face the reality that my brother and sister will have to grow up quickly (they're not happy). This is the world we live in.
I miss human interactions with others. I miss going out and hanging out with my friends. I miss dinner date nights and laughing. I miss hugs from people I love and care about. Among all the things I miss? I miss my freedom. You don't realize how much you take for granted when you have it, but when things are gone, you end up thinking about what really matters. I'll save that for the next post.
Let's see what this new world will bring once this is over...
Friday, January 10, 2020
Leaving 2019 Behind
Another year, another decade... and yet another version of me.
2019 was one very stressful year. Being in leadership with my company has started taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally, which has been wearing me down. I felt like I was treading deep water and barely keeping myself afloat. Since my company is a start up, changes have been happening on a daily basis and I feel like there is always a discrepancy with ideas between my management team vs. upper management. I spent 3/4 of the year making money to pay off debts. I had a set goal of buying a car at the end of the year and I didn't achieve that goal. I am a bit disappointed in myself because I didn't focus on everything I needed to focus on and I only achieved some of my goals.
2019 Goals:
2019 was one very stressful year. Being in leadership with my company has started taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally, which has been wearing me down. I felt like I was treading deep water and barely keeping myself afloat. Since my company is a start up, changes have been happening on a daily basis and I feel like there is always a discrepancy with ideas between my management team vs. upper management. I spent 3/4 of the year making money to pay off debts. I had a set goal of buying a car at the end of the year and I didn't achieve that goal. I am a bit disappointed in myself because I didn't focus on everything I needed to focus on and I only achieved some of my goals.
2019 Goals:
- Work hard and get a promotion/ better position
Reduce monetary debt by 50%Increase credit core by 100+ points- Get new car
- Work out and eat healthier
Travel moreGet back into dance and aerial training
Okay, so half my goals have been achieved... not bad. These goals will obviously roll over for 2020, along with some new ones. I focused my energy on too many other things, rather than focusing on myself. I think this caused my setback and deterred me from moving forward. This year, I decided to cut out all of the negativity surrounding me - which included certain toxic people within different "communities" and friend circles. I've purged my social media by removing most of these people because their nonsense really isn't worth my time. I needed to delete the negative people in my life that have been trying to bring me down because they're actually irrelevant. I believe that friends come and go... and most people I see or associate with in social settings are just acquaintances. I personally do not have many friends and I just enjoy the ones I already have. The select few that reach out to me to grab dinner or hang out are the ones I cherish because I see them as people who give me their time.
I've officially worked in New York City for one full year. I think I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate the commute - it takes over 1.5 hours to get to work each day, and my commute is heavily dependent on the MTA. The winters get really cold and I always have to check the weather to dress accordingly when walking outside. I also have realized how easily germs and things spread on the train, so my OCD for cleanliness has kicked in with hand sanitizing wipes and avoidance of touching anything on the train with my hands. NYC hustle and bustle is so fast paced. I'm not sure how I've managed to keep up with things (in and out of my company). You begin to notice dramatic changes overnight... from opening/closing of new restaurants, pop up shops, changes in art and scenery, etc. I absolutely love it, but if I cannot make the time frame of when museums pop up, I end up missing these small events. I'm sure I'll become more accustomed to this lifestyle, but I miss driving.
Speaking of driving... my car finally died so I've been heavily relying on public transportation. I was planning to buy a car at the end of last year, but it has been postponed because my boyfriend and I went on a trip to Hong Kong (I'll blog about this at a later time). I need to make this my main priority this year because this goal has been on hold for three years now. I would rather take some time to myself and figure out what I need to do over the next few months so I can finally cross this off my list. I miss having a car and I understand the financial cost of my ideal dream car, but it's something that needs to be done.
One of the highlights of last year was that I was able to travel to Asia last year and we got a chance to go to Hong Kong and Macau. It was a lot of fun, considering I have never been to China and the last time I've been to Asia was 1999. I ate so much food while I was there and probably gained 10 lbs. in the process. There was so much to see and buy as well. I was able to meet Kenny's family and it was nice to see him interact with his relatives. He hasn't seen them in a long time, so I understand the need to spend time with them. I mostly enjoyed the shopping and the tourist sight-seeing aspect... and we came at a time where there wasn't too much turmoil from the unrest and protests from the people of Hong Kong. I feel for the people of that country... they're fighting for freedom that is slowly being taken away from them. I do hope this turmoil gets resolved soon.
I need to take some time to focus on myself for 2020. I've started doing that in 2019, but I need to figure out what I want. The question that was presented to me yesterday was, "Where do you want to be in the next three years?" Honestly, I have no idea. I'm at a standstill of what I want to do. I'm comfortable at my job and I am okay with my life, but at the same time, something is lacking and missing. As crazy as 2018 was, I was happy with myself. I think that same mindset needs to come back for 2020. I need to stop thinking about all my insecurities and realize I'm still the same bad ass woman I was before... with more fashionable clothing and bigger dreams. Okay 2020, bring it.
I've officially worked in New York City for one full year. I think I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate the commute - it takes over 1.5 hours to get to work each day, and my commute is heavily dependent on the MTA. The winters get really cold and I always have to check the weather to dress accordingly when walking outside. I also have realized how easily germs and things spread on the train, so my OCD for cleanliness has kicked in with hand sanitizing wipes and avoidance of touching anything on the train with my hands. NYC hustle and bustle is so fast paced. I'm not sure how I've managed to keep up with things (in and out of my company). You begin to notice dramatic changes overnight... from opening/closing of new restaurants, pop up shops, changes in art and scenery, etc. I absolutely love it, but if I cannot make the time frame of when museums pop up, I end up missing these small events. I'm sure I'll become more accustomed to this lifestyle, but I miss driving.
Speaking of driving... my car finally died so I've been heavily relying on public transportation. I was planning to buy a car at the end of last year, but it has been postponed because my boyfriend and I went on a trip to Hong Kong (I'll blog about this at a later time). I need to make this my main priority this year because this goal has been on hold for three years now. I would rather take some time to myself and figure out what I need to do over the next few months so I can finally cross this off my list. I miss having a car and I understand the financial cost of my ideal dream car, but it's something that needs to be done.
One of the highlights of last year was that I was able to travel to Asia last year and we got a chance to go to Hong Kong and Macau. It was a lot of fun, considering I have never been to China and the last time I've been to Asia was 1999. I ate so much food while I was there and probably gained 10 lbs. in the process. There was so much to see and buy as well. I was able to meet Kenny's family and it was nice to see him interact with his relatives. He hasn't seen them in a long time, so I understand the need to spend time with them. I mostly enjoyed the shopping and the tourist sight-seeing aspect... and we came at a time where there wasn't too much turmoil from the unrest and protests from the people of Hong Kong. I feel for the people of that country... they're fighting for freedom that is slowly being taken away from them. I do hope this turmoil gets resolved soon.
I need to take some time to focus on myself for 2020. I've started doing that in 2019, but I need to figure out what I want. The question that was presented to me yesterday was, "Where do you want to be in the next three years?" Honestly, I have no idea. I'm at a standstill of what I want to do. I'm comfortable at my job and I am okay with my life, but at the same time, something is lacking and missing. As crazy as 2018 was, I was happy with myself. I think that same mindset needs to come back for 2020. I need to stop thinking about all my insecurities and realize I'm still the same bad ass woman I was before... with more fashionable clothing and bigger dreams. Okay 2020, bring it.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Talk About It
Wow. I haven't been on this page since 2016 I aspired to do many things to pursue a career in health care because of my major, but life has changed. I was in a relationship for six years, which ended abruptly. I am in the process of changing my surroundings and learning to love who I am as a person. I've always catered to everyone else's needs, but never my own. I have underestimated myself for many years and downplayed my abilities to get things done until recently. I'm on a different path now and I want to keep pushing forward. This blog today was opened because it's time to talk about my feelings... which I've closed off for so long.
I was in a relationship for six years. It was one of the happiest times of my life and I was set on spending the rest of my life with him (O). O and I met when I was in school doing my internship for my clinical rotations. It was my last semester of college and I was finishing up strong with 20 credits to earn my Bachelor's degree in Technology Studies and an Associate's in Medical Laboratory Technology. He was a microbiology technologist and was a quiet soul, while I was a student learning the ropes to pursue my career. I was full of life and potentially just looking to make friends, while he was busy with work but was free-spirited. We met because I had to rotate with him in his department for a week. I was reluctant to sit with O because many people have told me he liked to make many stupid comments, but I had no choice so I kept my mouth shut and pushed through the day. It wasn't until the moment I sat with him to have lunch during the break is what changed my life. We got along well and I made the decision about his character for myself. From there, O and I became friends and sometime after, we started dating.
O and I became the power couple of the laboratory and amongst all our friends and family. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could because I wanted to pursue a relationship. He was relaxed and happy with me. My face lit up like a Christmas tree whenever I got to see him. We were both focused on our goals for work and we enjoyed each other's company. O and I went on vacations together, we worked together (in different departments), and we were always talking. We never ran out of things to talk about - whether it be about "the universe," his favorite shows, or even my favorite hobbies. I fell in love with this man, and I fell hard. He became my best friend and he was the man I wanted to eventually build a future with. I never felt the need to look at anyone else because I was so happy with him. I always wanted the best for him and to see him achieve his dreams. I wanted to be O's #1 - I wanted him to be able to know how much I loved him and I wanted him to see what lengths I'd go to in order to provide a future for the both of us.
I'm not sure what changed. I can safely say I've never cheated on him and I never wanted anything more than his love. However, by the end of our relationship, I saw changes in him that I could never fix. He tried to look at me in a negative light because I felt like his mother brainwashed him into believing I didn't care. I wasn't able to spend as much time with him as I wanted to because I was so tired about working the night shift. In his eyes, he thought I was blowing him off even though he knew I was always working. He was jealous of my job in administration even though he made more money than me. O stopped looking at the love I had for him, but instead started looking at all my flaws and insecurities. He would put me down when talking about my career and he would make me feel like a fool. He constantly disrespected me in front of others (especially his family) and made me feel like less of a person because he wanted to show off. We argued about it in the beginning on why he never wanted to stick up for me and he said there was never a need to say anything because people (especially his mother) would always keep talking. I let it go - but maybe I shouldn't have.
Here are the maybe's surrounding my thoughts: maybe I should have focused more on my relationship than my work. Maybe we could have made more time to spend together. Maybe we should have talked everything out before it hit the breaking point. Maybe I should have been less stressed about life and finances. Maybe I should have been a better girlfriend and tried to understand his love language better. The thing is - they're all a bunch of maybes. After we broke up the first time, I made sure to fix these things about myself. I gave him whatever free time I had because I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him. I tried to talk to him when we argued and even apologized if I knew I was being irrational. I told him to stop spending money so we could save up for a future together. We talked about getting married, having kids, buying a home in and out of the country, etc... we talked about the lives we dreamed of having together. The one thing we never talked about was the way HE felt about certain issues. He let it all fester inside. He told me everything was always all right while he tried to compete with me instead of growing with me. O gave up on us.
Instead of spending the only day we had off together with me, O spent it going to his parents' house to talk to them because he was emotionally depressed. He always listened to his mother because all she did was irrationally bring him up and tell him he was sitting on top of the world instead of assessing the actual situation. She twisted all my words when I had a one to one sit down to speak with her and made me look like the culprit of a crime. Unfortunately, that woman never liked me because "I was taking away her son." O will never be able to grow up in that environment. He will never be able to move forward and mature because he will always try to have his mother cater to him. I say this heavily because he ALWAYS wanted me to do the cooking and cleaning at home and he never lifted a finger to help. He complained about the dust and the dirt, but always left me doing the chores. O complained about my erratic sleep patterns, even though I worked 10p - 6am (M - Th, and Sat). He made me look like the girl who didn't care about anything but myself. He tried to tell both his parents and mine that I wanted a man who would buy me everything like a father. I told him he would NEVER be able to fill my father's shoes. O was pretty mean to me... and insensitive. He allowed his mother to belittle me and I always had to stick up for myself. The only good thing that came out of this was that I became strong-willed and I always fought for what I believed in.
I knew myself as a woman and as a person. I came out of an awful emotionally abusive relationship before this one and I knew what I wanted and didn't want. I wanted to show O how much I loved and cherished him as an intelligent individual who always made me laugh. He said the most outrageous things and I'd always give him a confused expression. A lot of people came up to me asking why I dated someone who looked "gay" or "unattractive" or even "goofy" because I could have done so much better, but in my eyes, he was always perfect with his curly hair and fluffy body. Love makes people blind and happy. It doesn't matter what they look like - if they're in love, they'll try to keep those feelings to the best of their abilities. No one ever wants love to end, but in this day and age, there's always an expiration date on it. Society goes through the trouble of making things finite - just like that one episode with the dating app in Black Mirrors. If people stop looking at the time and society's beliefs on where a couple SHOULD be in a relationship instead of where they're at, then life would progress at its own natural pace.
It's been 4 months since he's moved out. The first week alone was probably the toughest one, but it got easier. I mistreated me and disrespected me during our last few weeks together. He yelled and told me awful things that made me never want to look back. I wanted to write this because I want to let the burden of my deep emotional stress go. I want to move forward with the life I've been living and the future I want for myself. The dating game is so different these days and as much as think I'd want to be wined and dined by some wealthy business man, I don't. I've always been independent and I've done things for me. I want my life to be in a place where everything works out for me. In the future, I want a companion who can accompany me in my journey through life and who could love me at my worst AND my best. I HATE liars and I refuse to respect those who play games. I also never chase after anyone. Things should always flow. I am shy at times and I have many friends of the opposite sex that I always hang out with. I am looking to build a foundation of a friendship before I move forward in a relationship. I guess for now, I just want to enjoy my life and see where it takes me.
I don't know if I feel like I wasted time on our relationship, but I have to look at the time we spent together as a learning experience to better myself for the next guy that comes along. I want to show my next potential significant other my world and how amazing life is. I want to push my next boyfriend to do better for themselves and I also would like to move forward with them. I have high aspirations for my next relationship. As of right now, I am happy and I am just glad I have my family and friends as the best support system with me. The best part is, I can finally let go of my past and look forward to my future.
I was in a relationship for six years. It was one of the happiest times of my life and I was set on spending the rest of my life with him (O). O and I met when I was in school doing my internship for my clinical rotations. It was my last semester of college and I was finishing up strong with 20 credits to earn my Bachelor's degree in Technology Studies and an Associate's in Medical Laboratory Technology. He was a microbiology technologist and was a quiet soul, while I was a student learning the ropes to pursue my career. I was full of life and potentially just looking to make friends, while he was busy with work but was free-spirited. We met because I had to rotate with him in his department for a week. I was reluctant to sit with O because many people have told me he liked to make many stupid comments, but I had no choice so I kept my mouth shut and pushed through the day. It wasn't until the moment I sat with him to have lunch during the break is what changed my life. We got along well and I made the decision about his character for myself. From there, O and I became friends and sometime after, we started dating.
O and I became the power couple of the laboratory and amongst all our friends and family. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could because I wanted to pursue a relationship. He was relaxed and happy with me. My face lit up like a Christmas tree whenever I got to see him. We were both focused on our goals for work and we enjoyed each other's company. O and I went on vacations together, we worked together (in different departments), and we were always talking. We never ran out of things to talk about - whether it be about "the universe," his favorite shows, or even my favorite hobbies. I fell in love with this man, and I fell hard. He became my best friend and he was the man I wanted to eventually build a future with. I never felt the need to look at anyone else because I was so happy with him. I always wanted the best for him and to see him achieve his dreams. I wanted to be O's #1 - I wanted him to be able to know how much I loved him and I wanted him to see what lengths I'd go to in order to provide a future for the both of us.
I'm not sure what changed. I can safely say I've never cheated on him and I never wanted anything more than his love. However, by the end of our relationship, I saw changes in him that I could never fix. He tried to look at me in a negative light because I felt like his mother brainwashed him into believing I didn't care. I wasn't able to spend as much time with him as I wanted to because I was so tired about working the night shift. In his eyes, he thought I was blowing him off even though he knew I was always working. He was jealous of my job in administration even though he made more money than me. O stopped looking at the love I had for him, but instead started looking at all my flaws and insecurities. He would put me down when talking about my career and he would make me feel like a fool. He constantly disrespected me in front of others (especially his family) and made me feel like less of a person because he wanted to show off. We argued about it in the beginning on why he never wanted to stick up for me and he said there was never a need to say anything because people (especially his mother) would always keep talking. I let it go - but maybe I shouldn't have.
Here are the maybe's surrounding my thoughts:
Instead of spending the only day we had off together with me, O spent it going to his parents' house to talk to them because he was emotionally depressed. He always listened to his mother because all she did was irrationally bring him up and tell him he was sitting on top of the world instead of assessing the actual situation. She twisted all my words when I had a one to one sit down to speak with her and made me look like the culprit of a crime. Unfortunately, that woman never liked me because "I was taking away her son." O will never be able to grow up in that environment. He will never be able to move forward and mature because he will always try to have his mother cater to him. I say this heavily because he ALWAYS wanted me to do the cooking and cleaning at home and he never lifted a finger to help. He complained about the dust and the dirt, but always left me doing the chores. O complained about my erratic sleep patterns, even though I worked 10p - 6am (M - Th, and Sat). He made me look like the girl who didn't care about anything but myself. He tried to tell both his parents and mine that I wanted a man who would buy me everything like a father. I told him he would NEVER be able to fill my father's shoes. O was pretty mean to me... and insensitive. He allowed his mother to belittle me and I always had to stick up for myself. The only good thing that came out of this was that I became strong-willed and I always fought for what I believed in.
I knew myself as a woman and as a person. I came out of an awful emotionally abusive relationship before this one and I knew what I wanted and didn't want. I wanted to show O how much I loved and cherished him as an intelligent individual who always made me laugh. He said the most outrageous things and I'd always give him a confused expression. A lot of people came up to me asking why I dated someone who looked "gay" or "unattractive" or even "goofy" because I could have done so much better, but in my eyes, he was always perfect with his curly hair and fluffy body. Love makes people blind and happy. It doesn't matter what they look like - if they're in love, they'll try to keep those feelings to the best of their abilities. No one ever wants love to end, but in this day and age, there's always an expiration date on it. Society goes through the trouble of making things finite - just like that one episode with the dating app in Black Mirrors. If people stop looking at the time and society's beliefs on where a couple SHOULD be in a relationship instead of where they're at, then life would progress at its own natural pace.
It's been 4 months since he's moved out. The first week alone was probably the toughest one, but it got easier. I mistreated me and disrespected me during our last few weeks together. He yelled and told me awful things that made me never want to look back. I wanted to write this because I want to let the burden of my deep emotional stress go. I want to move forward with the life I've been living and the future I want for myself. The dating game is so different these days and as much as think I'd want to be wined and dined by some wealthy business man, I don't. I've always been independent and I've done things for me. I want my life to be in a place where everything works out for me. In the future, I want a companion who can accompany me in my journey through life and who could love me at my worst AND my best. I HATE liars and I refuse to respect those who play games. I also never chase after anyone. Things should always flow. I am shy at times and I have many friends of the opposite sex that I always hang out with. I am looking to build a foundation of a friendship before I move forward in a relationship. I guess for now, I just want to enjoy my life and see where it takes me.
I don't know if I feel like I wasted time on our relationship, but I have to look at the time we spent together as a learning experience to better myself for the next guy that comes along. I want to show my next potential significant other my world and how amazing life is. I want to push my next boyfriend to do better for themselves and I also would like to move forward with them. I have high aspirations for my next relationship. As of right now, I am happy and I am just glad I have my family and friends as the best support system with me. The best part is, I can finally let go of my past and look forward to my future.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Snowboarding Bliss
The first time I strapped myself into my snowboard was a little strange. I didn't really know how to shuffle around with one food locked into the binding and the other being free, but I learned. I took many spills down the slope and almost suffered a few concussions (thank God for a helmet!). I found it difficult to stop and slow down, but that eventually came with practice. After taking a few lessons and practicing on the bunny slope at Hunter Mountain, I've finally been able to make it up the lift and down the steep green side without too much falling. After one season, I can now do heel turns and toe turns without too much of a problem and I'm starting to learn how to carve the snow. I'm not as scared to go down the slope either.
I was also doing some research about snowboards and I never realized there were differences in boards. I've ended up with two snowboards for two completely different purposes. My Elan board is a freestyle rocker, which means it's a snowboard for advanced use. This board is particularly good on the terrain freestyle parks and for doing tricks. My instructor told me it's more like the "Ferrari" of snowboards, in comparison to most of the rental boards out there. I pushed myself to learn how to ride this board and not allow the board to ride me. On the other hand, my Burton Feelgood has a camber shape throughout, which allows for easier maneuverability and control as I glide down the slopes. I love both my boards and I want to continue to learn by using both of them. They're short enough for my height, but I ideally want to get a board that's slightly longer once I get better. I posted a chart below to show the differences between boards, in case anyone was planning to get a snowboard for their own recreational use.
I've come a long way since January and I'm a bit sad the season is winding down, but what can you do... it's getting too warm for snow. It's quite possible I can sneak in one more snow day before the season ends, but we'll see. I'm going to have to find another hobby for the spring, summer, and fall before we can go back to this again! We'll see...
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Back from Hiatus
I'M NOT DEAD!!!
Hello all! I took a long break from this website because I had writers block, no time, and no energy to do anything. That sounds pretty bad, doesn't it? I was so comfortable living life in a bubble with a boyfriend I loved and cared about, working from day to day, and spending all my money and energy on random stuff. 2015 was the year that turned my entire life upside down. When you think everything is going well, someone decides to throw a wrench into your happy little bubble to pop it. So... here's everything that happened in a quick nutshell.
- Having one job cut my finances in half and I was fighting for hours at the hospital (in case you didn't know, I work in a laboratory in a hospital - yes, I am a vampire that likes to take your blood... and other fun specimens).
- I was unhappy at home, so I decided it was time for my boyfriend and I to take the next step and move in together (which in an Asian household, is definitely shunned upon). This further cut my finances into almost nothing every month.
- I still tried to do the normal things in life, despite my inability to be financially stable... which resulted in more fighting with the boyfriend (since spending that extra money was pointless to him)
- Having said that, a build up of debt, being unhappy at work, and constantly fighting with my boyfriend led to...
- a messy breakup after 4 years
- being kicked out of said apartment
- finding a new place to live in 48 hours without moving back to my parents home
- forcing myself to focus on the board exam I've been struggling to pass to get my career going in the medical field
- shutting everything out and depriving myself of sanity to focus on myself since my other half left me in the dark
Long story short, I've come to realize that all things have good and bad times... ups and downs, and even worse times. Since all this has happened, I still haven't passed the exam but I've found my self worth again. I've become a stronger person as an individual as compared to the person I was when I was in a relationship (someone who was dependent on their significant other for happiness). Old friends came back to help me get back on my feet and become myself again. I'm thankful for the new ones that came into my life to snap me out of my daze and I'm even more thankful for my family who helped me through my tough summer. I went back to church and realized God really does work miracles on everyone, even when you've been away for so long.
So after all that, you're probably wondering what happened to the ex. Well, he came back to me... but we're just talking because I have too many things on my plate. The year just started, so who knows where my life will take me? After working 45 hours this week (now I've got an overabundance of hours), I've come to realize there is so much more to me and I need to find out how to tap into it all. So... hello new year, hello to more blogs, and hello to life. Let's start over and make it fresh.
Cheers!!!
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