Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Talk About It

Wow.  I haven't been on this page since 2016  I aspired to do many things to pursue a career in health care because of my major, but life has changed.  I was in a relationship for six years, which ended abruptly.  I am in the process of changing my surroundings and learning to love who I am as a person.  I've always catered to everyone else's needs, but never my own.  I have underestimated myself for many years and downplayed my abilities to get things done until recently.  I'm on a different path now and I want to keep pushing forward.  This blog today was opened because it's time to talk about my feelings... which I've closed off for so long.

I was in a relationship for six years.  It was one of the happiest times of my life and I was set on spending the rest of my life with him (O).  O and I met when I was in school doing my internship for my clinical rotations.  It was my last semester of college and I was finishing up strong with 20 credits to earn my Bachelor's degree in Technology Studies and an Associate's in Medical Laboratory Technology.  He was a microbiology technologist and was a quiet soul, while I was a student learning the ropes to pursue my career.  I was full of life and potentially just looking to make friends, while he was busy with work but was free-spirited.  We met because I had to rotate with him in his department for a week.  I was reluctant to sit with O because many people have told me he liked to make many stupid comments, but I had no choice so I kept my mouth shut and pushed through the day.  It wasn't until the moment I sat with him to have lunch during the break is what changed my life.  We got along well and I made the decision about his character for myself.  From there, O and I became friends and sometime after, we started dating.

O and I became the power couple of the laboratory and amongst all our friends and family.  I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could because I wanted to pursue a relationship.  He was relaxed and happy with me.  My face lit up like a Christmas tree whenever I got to see him.  We were both focused on our goals for work and we enjoyed each other's company.  O and I went on vacations together, we worked together (in different departments), and we were always talking. We never ran out of things to talk about - whether it be about "the universe," his favorite shows, or even my favorite hobbies.  I fell in love with this man, and I fell hard.  He became my best friend and he was the man I wanted to eventually build a future with.  I never felt the need to look at anyone else because I was so happy with him.  I always wanted the best for him and to see him achieve his dreams.  I wanted to be O's #1 - I wanted him to be able to know how much I loved him and I wanted him to see what lengths I'd go to in order to provide a future for the both of us.

I'm not sure what changed.  I can safely say I've never cheated on him and I never wanted anything more than his love.  However, by the end of our relationship, I saw changes in him that I could never fix.  He tried to look at me in a negative light because I felt like his mother brainwashed him into believing I didn't care.  I wasn't able to spend as much time with him as I wanted to because I was so tired about working the night shift.  In his eyes, he thought I was blowing him off even though he knew I was always working.  He was jealous of my job in administration even though he made more money than me.  O stopped looking at the love I had for him, but instead started looking at all my flaws and insecurities.  He would put me down when talking about my career and he would make me feel like a fool.  He constantly disrespected me in front of others (especially his family) and made me feel like less of a person because he wanted to show off.  We argued about it in the beginning on why he never wanted to stick up for me and he said there was never a need to say anything because people (especially his mother) would always keep talking.  I let it go - but maybe I shouldn't have.

Here are the maybe's surrounding my thoughts:  maybe I should have focused more on my relationship than my work.  Maybe we could have made more time to spend together.  Maybe we should have talked everything out before it hit the breaking point.  Maybe I should have been less stressed about life and finances.  Maybe I should have been a better girlfriend and tried to understand his love language better.  The thing is - they're all a bunch of maybes.  After we broke up the first time, I made sure to fix these things about myself.  I gave him whatever free time I had because I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him.  I tried to talk to him when we argued and even apologized if I knew I was being irrational.  I told him to stop spending money so we could save up for a future together.  We talked about getting married, having kids, buying a home in and out of the country, etc... we talked about the lives we dreamed of having together.  The one thing we never talked about was the way HE felt about certain issues.  He let it all fester inside.  He told me everything was always all right while he tried to compete with me instead of growing with me.  O gave up on us.

Instead of spending the only day we had off together with me, O spent it going to his parents' house to talk to them because he was emotionally depressed.  He always listened to his mother because all she did was irrationally bring him up and tell him he was sitting on top of the world instead of assessing the actual situation.  She twisted all my words when I had a one to one sit down to speak with her and made me look like the culprit of a crime.  Unfortunately, that woman never liked me because "I was taking away her son."  O will never be able to grow up in that environment.  He will never be able to move forward and mature because he will always try to have his mother cater to him.  I say this heavily because he ALWAYS wanted me to do the cooking and cleaning at home and he never lifted a finger to help.  He complained about the dust and the dirt, but always left me doing the chores.  O complained about my erratic sleep patterns, even though I worked 10p - 6am (M - Th, and Sat).  He made me look like the girl who didn't care about anything but myself.  He tried to tell both his parents and mine that I wanted a man who would buy me everything like a father.  I told him he would NEVER be able to fill my father's shoes.  O was pretty mean to me... and insensitive.  He allowed his mother to belittle me and I always had to stick up for myself.  The only good thing that came out of this was that I became strong-willed and I always fought for what I believed in.

I knew myself as a woman and as a person.  I came out of an awful emotionally abusive relationship before this one and I knew what I wanted and didn't want.  I wanted to show O how much I loved and cherished him as an intelligent individual who always made me laugh.  He said the most outrageous things and I'd always give him a confused expression.  A lot of people came up to me asking why I dated someone who looked "gay" or "unattractive" or even "goofy" because I could have done so much better, but in my eyes, he was always perfect with his curly hair and fluffy body.  Love makes people blind and happy.  It doesn't matter what they look like - if they're in love, they'll try to keep those feelings to the best of their abilities.  No one ever wants love to end, but in this day and age, there's always an expiration date on it.  Society goes through the trouble of making things finite - just like that one episode with the dating app in Black Mirrors.  If people stop looking at the time and society's beliefs on where a couple SHOULD be in a relationship instead of where they're at, then life would progress at its own natural pace.

It's been 4 months since he's moved out.  The first week alone was probably the toughest one, but it got easier.  I mistreated me and disrespected me during our last few weeks together.  He yelled and told me awful things that made me never want to look back.  I wanted to write this because I want to let the burden of my deep emotional stress go.  I want to move forward with the life I've been living and the future I want for myself.  The dating game is so different these days and as much as think I'd want to be wined and dined by some wealthy business man, I don't.  I've always been independent and I've done things for me.  I want my life to be in a place where everything works out for me.  In the future, I want a companion who can accompany me in my journey through life and who could love me at my worst AND my best.  I HATE liars and I refuse to respect those who play games.  I also never chase after anyone.  Things should always flow.  I am shy at times and I have many friends of the opposite sex that I always hang out with.  I am looking to build a foundation of a friendship before I move forward in a relationship.  I guess for now, I just want to enjoy my life and see where it takes me.

I don't know if I feel like I wasted time on our relationship, but I have to look at the time we spent together as a learning experience to better myself for the next guy that comes along.  I want to show my next potential significant other my world and how amazing life is.  I want to push my next boyfriend to do better for themselves and I also would like to move forward with them.  I have high aspirations for my next relationship.  As of right now, I am happy and I am just glad I have my family and friends as the best support system with me.  The best part is, I can finally let go of my past and look forward to my future.

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