Monday, April 13, 2020

That Feeling...

I've been feeling pretty lonely lately.  I feel like I've lost something important and my heart hurts everyday, but I haven't really lost anything.  Everything is great around me - I have my family and friends in good health, I've started different projects about things I wanted to do but I was always afraid of doing them, and I've even found some solace in books.  However, something is missing in my life.  It hurts and it makes me cry.  I'm not sure if I'm happy or if I'm just moving through the motions.  I've stopped posting on social media because the content has really begun to bore and annoy me.  I've been trying to reevaluate my life to see what I'm doing right or wrong.  I just don't know.

My quarantine has gotten me to be very productive as of late.  I've come up with a three year plan and I think I finally figured out what I am meant to do in life.  I've been reading about the study of numerology and how numbers correspond to your spiritual being and the universe.  I can see many correlations between this particular study and religion, and I find it enlightening to know that angels communicate through numbers.  I know big changes in my life are coming and it will be for the most amazing years to come.  I've been working out to get in even better shape than before.  But... even with all of these things... I feel so sad.  It's worse because I bottle everything up inside and I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Being in quarantine also has shown me who my friends really are and who cares.  People who tell me they're friends with me have disappeared.  Bonds I thought I made with others aren't really bonds.  I know I'm usually the one reaching out, so I guess when I'm the only one making the effort, then it means we're "friends."  Maybe I need to cut everyone out and start all over again.  That'll happen soon enough, I suppose.

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